The Best Cracker Jokes
Here at The Cracker Company, we take crackers very seriously, perhaps too seriously, until we get to the jokes anyway…
The Insides of a Cracker
The outside of the cracker is obviously very important. Today more and more customers are choosing from our huge range of designs to coordinate with their Christmas and event décor or a theme that they love.
Once the cracker is pulled, you will be greeted with a hat, a lovely gift (we hope!) and a joke. What is there to say about cracker jokes? We know that sometimes they are replaced with fascinating (not!) facts, charades (oh no!) or quiz questions (always obscure and often out of date!) but we really do all expect them to contain a joke that we can groan at when it’s read.
Surely, cracker jokes aren’t meant to be funny, are they? Aren’t they are just meant to be bad? Really bad, ideally! They are akin to a true Dad joke but probably shorter and more corny… Truth be told, the same jokes have been churned for years but this is part of the fun of a cracker, with just the odd new joke thrown in!
They should never be current or topical, it’s imperative that they are corny, ideally retro and resulting in exclamations of how bad they are!
Here's a few of our groan-worthy vintage favourites:
- What lays at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
- A nervous wreck!
- What do you call a deer with no eyes?
- No idea!
- What’s brown and sticky?
- A stick!
- Why do you put candles on top of a birthday cake?
- Because they won’t go on the bottom!
Most of our cracker making kits include jokes, which will be a selection of generic jokes that are not specific to any theme or event. You may wish to change these or add your own even.
To help you think about the options, we have included below our favourite joke from each of the joke packs that we offer. Enjoy but we did warn you that they’re not meant to be funny!
Of course we’d start at Christmas, as this is when most crackers are pulled. We know that crackers aren’t just for Christmas and that they’re great for all the other celebrations in life too but let’s start with this perennial bad joke…
- What never eats Christmas dinner?
- The turkey, it’s stuffed!
Risque Christmas Cracker Jokes for Adults
Are you guests adults only this Christmas? If so, our risque Christmas jokes might be something a bit different, for the right crowd of course! Perhaps not our favourite but less risque for this space is:
- What do you call a smelly Santa?
- Farter Christmas!
Dirty Christmas Cracker Jokes for Adults
Would you like to take the Christmas jokes a bit further than risque? Go for the shock factor perhaps? This is definitely a niche space but we have catered for everyone. So here goes, the cleanest is below with apologies in advance!
- Have you heard about Rocket the Brown Nosed Reindeer?
- He can run as fast as Rudolph but he just can’t stop as fast!
Birthday Cracker Jokes for Adults
So, who says that adults can’t have a birthday party and crackers? Not us, for sure! It doesn’t matter if it’s a big milestone birthday or just one of the run-of-the-mill ones in between – birthdays are a great excuse to pull a cracker. Of course, you don’t want to pull them and be greeted by a Christmas joke, so here’s one of our adult birthday jokes to give you a taster.
- You know you’re getting old when you go to an auction and people start bidding on you!
At the top of this page, we have said that “what’s brown and sticky?” is one of the old favourites. Of course, as you know, it’s “a stick!”. We’re not the ones to let that stick lie and have stretched this jokes to within an inch of it’s life… It works really well, as it really gets people thinking and then, definitely, groaning and throwing their eyes too the sky!
- What’s brown and sticky?
- A sticky brown thing!
Cheeky Old People Cracker Jokes
Perhaps another one for birthdays, especially for those of us who are advancing in years! It’s impolite to let a birthday, with a high number, pass without being rude about age isn’t it? Perhaps it’s just us, which is why we don’t get many birthday invites…
- These are not grey hairs. These are wisdom highlights. I happen to be very wise!
Another occasion when crackers are really popular is Easter. Whether it be for Easter Sunday lunch, an egg hunt or other Easter celebration, people will really remember your Easter crackers as something different.
- Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested by Easter eggs?
- She had to call and eggs-terminator!
Well, how rude! Again, perhaps niche but these will certainly give your guests a surprise! These are probably suitable for teenagers too – but you probably need to be the judge of that one…
- What’s invisible and smells like worms?
- A bird’s fart!
Obviously, we weren’t going to leave things at fart jokes, we needed to bring a collection of the best poo jokes together too! We’ll leave you to decide if they are suitable for your audience!
- Poo jokes aren’t my favourite.
- They’re definitely a solid number two though!
So, this is what it’s all about really… A Dad joke is often longer than a cracker joke, so we have curated some of the shorter ones for those who love a good (bad!) Dad joke. Aren’t they usually a play on words? This one definitely is:
- Did you hear about the really successful scarecrow?
- He was outstanding in his field!
Christmas Dad Jokes for Crackers
We especially love a Dad joke at Christmas, so we have edited a special collection of jokes to groan at on a Christmas theme.
- Why did the Christmas tree have to give up knitting?
- It kept losing it’s needles!
We’re a family business and Lou curated these for us. Not one for the vegetarians and vegans but we do cater for non-meat eaters later. These are all jokes about meat products that come from pigs, great if you’re having pork at your celebration meal. Random? Yes, that’s what we’re all about…
- What do you call a pig with an allergy?
- Pork scratchings!
Thanks for this collection, Dale. We know you didn’t do it willingly but no one else here is sporty! We cover all the sports here, like a pentathlon around sports themed cracker jokes…
- What did the racehorse say when it fell?
- I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
Our dog design crackers are always one of our best selling, so we have created some dog jokes to go with them. Remember, if your dog doesn’t like bangs – you can take a look at our snapless cracker page.
- Did you hear about the dog that got a job at The Ritz?
- He was a labra-doorman!
Spooky Halloween Cracker Jokes
We are seeing more and more people enjoying crackers at Halloween. You don’t need a roomful of people to celebrate Halloween, just a gathering around a well decorated table works well. Then, just add some crackers for that extra bang and joke, of course!
- What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?
- A poultry-geist!
As a nation we all love animals, so we thought that we would create a collection of animal themed jokes to recognise this. It’s like a trip round Noah’s Ark with these jokes – there are definitely no unicorns here!
- Why was the baby snake sad?
- Someone took it’s rattle!
Tipsy Time, Drink Themed Cracker Jokes
The chances are that, if you drink, then you will be having a small bevvy on a special occasion – maybe the same special occasion as you will be enjoying your hand made crackers. If so, why not carry the tipsy time theme into your crackers with our drink themed cracker jokes. Even the sober ones amongst your guests will appreciate them – or not, as they are cracker jokes!
- A bee goes into a bar. It comes out two hours later, buzzing!
We have introduced these jokes for occasions when you have lots of kids together, perhaps even a child’s birthday party. Nothing adult on these, they are all totally child friendly but hopefully not boring!
- Where do cows go on Friday nights?
- The moo-vies!
Laughing at Food Cracker Jokes
Food is at the middle of so many celebrations and special occasions, so we thought that we would bring together a collection of food themed jokes to go inside your handmade crackers. Perhaps you would add a foodie themed gift too…
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
- Nacho cheese!
Our cat design crackers are always popular, not just with mad cat parents, so we have created some cat jokes to go with them. Remember, if your cat doesn’t like bangs – you can take a look at our snapless cracker page.
- If lights run on electricity and cars run on fuel, what do cats run on?
- Their paws!
Plant Based & Vegan Cracker Jokes
Are you having a meat free event or do you have some guests that are either plant based or vegan? Perhaps our other food based jokes may not be suitable, so we have created this collection of plant based jokes especially for those guests.
- What’s the best way to keep milk fresh?
- Leave it in the cow!
The Retro Ones – Cracker Jokes
As they say, the “oldies are the best ones” and cracker jokes are no exception to this logic. In fact, we think they should be the old classics that we have all heard since we were kids, so that our kids can be appalled by them too! This collection will be all the jokes that you have heard forever and expect to get in your crackers when you pull them!
- What do you call a fly without wings?
- A walk!
Mottoes, Conversation Starters and Jokes for Weddings
Wedding crackers are so popular and we often create bespoke wedding motto sheets for our customers. However, we also offer a selection of curated collections, which are ready to use in your wedding cracker making.
This includes wedding thank you mottoes, which all feature the same phrase “Thank you for helping us to celebrate our wedding day”.
We also have collections of wedding day mottoes, which include jokes and conversations starters in each set. We have a set for bride & groom, bride & bride and also groom & groom weddings. We have chosen a few below for you.
- Two aerials got married.
- The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!
- Don’t ever laugh at your partner’s choices.
- After all, you were one of them!
- It’s been an emotional day.
- Even the cake’s in tiers!
If you have a group of people that are going to be sat together and don’t all know each other, then this set of conversation starters, designed for you to add to your crackers will be sure to break the ice. Add a joke too, if you want to go for belt-and-braces!
- If you own the lottery, what would be the first thing that you would buy?
Charades for Crackers
Following many requests, we have included a range of charades in our “cracker jokes” collection. We have a set of generic charades and a set of Christmas charades, to cover any occasion.
- Sweet Caroline (song)
- Guess How Much I Love You (book)
- I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas (song)
- All I want for Christmas is You (song)
Interesting Facts for Crackers
And it doesn’t stop there. As customers request new options, then we make them available. We have introduced a collection of interesting facts and, separately, a collection of Christmas interesting facts – we think they’re interesting anyway!
- Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water.
- Identical twins don’t have the same fingerprints.
- Jingle Bells was the first song ever played in space, in 1965 on the Gemini 6A space flight.
- Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas is the highest selling single of all time.
Positive Affirmations for Crackers
At The Cracker Company, we totally support the open dialogue for men, women and kids alike on mental health and wellbeing. Positive affirmations are an important part of this and we have followed this through into a set of mottoes for your Christmas cracker making.
- A ship is safe in a harbour. But that is not what ships are for!
- Your worth does not depend on other people's opinions of you.
Not Quite Affirmations for Crackers!
Of course, although we take mental health and wellbeing seriously, there is always humour – even in the most serious things. With this in mind, we have curated a collection of affirmations, which are, perhaps, less positive and a more tongue-in-cheek…
- Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them!
- If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia!